13 September 2008

What's with the flower?

The lotus has long been held as a symbol of rebirth and enlightenment, and that's exactly what I've been looking for. Even before my disastrous divorce, my writing career wasn't exactly what you'd call stellar; I managed to write three books in three years. I pressured myself to write faster, but that only added to my existing deadline and monetary woes, and I ended up more depressed and creatively paralyzed than I was before.

Oh, I tried to write, to complete something...anything. Just sit down and do it, I told myself. But the demons still plagued me - self-doubt, hyper self-criticism (otherwise known as the Inner Editorial Bitch), and cynicism strangled my creativity until I couldn't produce anything at all. Hell, I didn't want to write. Writing was pain. Any joy I'd once felt had fallen into the same dark, dismal hole as my muse.

Fortunately, with the help of a dear author friend, Carrie Lofty, and my beloved husband, I've started on the road to recovery. It's not easy. After all, I've got 5+ years of neuroses to try to undo. Short of hiring a creativity coach (yeah, try finding one of those in my area!), I've been reading several books by Dr. Eric Maisel on creative depression. The man is, simply put, brilliant. I often find myself on the verge of tears while reading his work, 'cause it's like he's seen exactly what's in my head.

Unfortunately, my subconscious doesn't seem to appreciate my efforts; over the past two weeks I've suffered some of the most horrific nightmares of my life, not to mention my first panic attack. But I'm determined to keep going. Writing was once the bright spot in my existence, and I will do whatever I can to recover that joy. This blog is part of that goal. Like the lotus, which rises from muddy water to burst into beautiful bloom, so I seek to do with my writing.

Onward and upward.


Nan said...

The use of the lotus is brilliant! Your blog is lovely to look at but the writing is the gem in the center. Thanks for sharing.