Merry Christmas!

Yes, even though I am a Buddhist, I still celebrate Christmas. It's a cultural holiday for me, and a time to embrace kindness and goodwill, the tenets that form the heart of Buddhism.

So to all my friends - including all the ones I have not yet met - I wish you a very heartfelt Merry Christmas!

Finding My Way

I've been doing a lot of soul-searching lately about happiness, life, and what I can actively do to make sure the two are not mutually exclusive.

They have been, of late; I've been so caught up in angsty contemplation of the vicissitudes of life that I'm forgetting to actually live.

How's that for a brain buster?

It boils down to this: there are so many would'ves, should'ves, and could'ves that cloud our vision, that prevent us from actually enjoying the innate happiness and peace within each of us. In Buddhism, this is reflected in the Four Noble Truths:

1) Life consists of suffering.
2) The origin of suffering is attachment (our desires, cravings, etc.).
3) The cessation of suffering is attainable.
4) There is a path to cessation of suffering, through the right view, right intention, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness, and right concentration. (These are called the Eightfold Path.)

I guess you could say I've just fallen off the path.

It's time to find my way back.

So Tired of People

Thing1 and Thing2 are still at it at work. I've been trying to detach, trying to remember my Zen precepts, and it's exhausting. Especially when Thing1 makes a point to snub me when we're the only people in the room, but gets all fakey sweet in the presence of witnesses.

Thing2 isn't acknowledging me at all, won't even look at me, which is fine. The farther away she keeps her hygienically-challenged self from me, the better.

The clandestine, whispered bitchfests, however, continue.

*sigh*

When will these people learn to grow up?

Buddha's Wisdom Strikes Again

I get along with most everyone at my place of work, with the notable exception of two women. One, a 20-something-year veteran of the company, thinks she's a manager (she isn't). As a result, she tries to girl-bully people into doing what she thinks they should be doing. If they don't, she gets pissy and snipes at them behind their backs, while giving them a fake, sweet smile to their faces. It's gotten so bad I've nicknamed her Janus, after the two-faced Roman god.

The other woman I've mentioned here before: the mousy, insecure, passive/aggressive socially inept yotch who desperately tries to prove herself the brightest kid in class (and falls desperately short).

This past week, while DH was away, things came to a head with both of these creatures. It was so bad I had to ask two of my managers for help - which, fortunately, I received. I was still horribly torqued off, and ranted last night to my husband, getting more and more upset as I relived the wrongs done to me.

My husband, without missing a beat, turned to me and said, "What is the primary tenet of Buddhism?"

To which I automatically replied, "Resistance to what exists is the cause of all suffering."

Ding-ding-ding! Gazillion-watt lightbulb goes on!

I slap my forehead in an utter "D'oh!" moment. I was giving those yotches so much power over me that I was making myself miserable. These women are who they are, and no matter how much I protest and gnash my teeth, I cannot change them. I can only acknowledge what they are, accept their existence, and refuse to let them affect me so greatly.

Buddha was a gentle teacher. His teachings, however, sometimes require application with a clue-by-four.

Ow.

Lost - and Found

Wow. This is now officially the winter that Just Won't Quit. Now that we've dug ourselves out from the over 12 inches of snow that fell yesterday, I've learned that we're due to get smacked with two to six more tonight. Followed by a few more on Tuesday.

For f*ck's sake...enough, already!!!!!!!

Winter doesn't officially begin until Sunday, and already I'm sick of it. Yes, the snow is lovely and pristine, but trying to drive in it can be anything from annoying to (as I found out yesterday) downright dangerous.

*sigh*

I apologize for all the weather-related whining I've been doing lately. And yes, I do suspect I have at least a touch of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). I know it's bad when I can't get into the Christmas spirit until the week before, and even then it's lukewarm. That, combined with angst over whether or not my full-time status at my job is in jeopardy (my boss assures me it's not, but can't commit until next year's budget is approved), and I've been a right mess.

What else is new?

Perhaps, with the advent of the New Year, it's time for me to take the principles of Buddhism to a higher level of practice. Enlightenment is a journey, not necessarily a destination, and I've been so focused on material things that I feel I've lost my way entirely. Time to go back to the beginning, methinks, and get a fresh perspective. It'll probably be accompanied by some fresh snow, but c'est la vie. This *is* the Frozen Tundra, after all.

See? I'm better already. :-)

Bodhisattvas Rule.

A bodhisattva, according to the Mayahana tradition of Buddhism, is "a person who already has a considerable degree of enlightenment and seeks to use their wisdom to help other human beings to become liberated themselves. In this understanding of the word the Bodhisattva is an already wise person who uses skillful means to lead others to see the benefits of virtue and the cultivation of wisdom." (source: Wikipedia)

Right now, I'm convinced my friend Nancy is one such individual. Not only does she listen to me whine about the vicissitudes of my search for meaning, but she helps me cut through the bullshit to see into the heart of my troubles.

She recently imparted these words of wisdom:

"Sometimes romance writers get in a cult-like mind set...you have to write to have worth- you have to be published to have worth- you have to publish big to have worth-you have to write everyday to have worth...you have to hit the bestseller lists to have worth. It is so easy to buy into - but it's all nuts."

This simple statement hit me like a bolt out of the blue. I realized that I *had* been brainwashed. That I had bought into the whole "romance writer" litany of worth, lock, stock, and barrel - hence my current bout of hand-wringing.

None of the "cult mindset" determines my worth: I determine it. I determine what makes me happy.

And right now, I'm so happy to have such a wonderful friend (and bodhisattva) in my life.

Compassion

One of the precepts of Buddhism is compassion for all living things. Easy in theory, difficult in practice - especially when one of those living things is a fellow human who has hurt you deeply.

I recently heard news about one such person, and rather than wax wrathful and angry about what he did to me in years past (although I admit it was my knee-jerk reaction), I later found myself actually feeling compassion for him. He was a bitter, sick, and twisted individual when I knew him; now, it seems, he has found the happiness that eluded him all those years. The revelation astounded me.

Although a small part of me still hopes karma will serve him for his previous actions, the larger part has forgiven him. Previously, I had not thought this possible; I thought I would hold on to that hatred and anger forever. Compassion, I find, is a welcome relief from all that toxicity. I just wasn't in the right place to consider it until now.

This can only been seen as another signpost on my healing journey, and it makes me smile. There's hope for me yet.