Coming Back to Myself

A series of events over the past year left me riddled with grief and doubt, and effectively shredded my sense of self-esteem. Everything I thought I was, everything I thought true about my life, ended up getting turned around and stomped on.

Soooooo not fun.

Time and effort have restored me, but not without cost, both physically and spiritually. My Buddhist leanings are still at war with the cynicism engendered by these events; it's difficult to feel compassion for people who have hurt you and betrayed your trust. Indeed, it's difficult to trust people in general when your experiences have proven them irredeemably selfish, self-centered, ungenerous, hypocritical, and untrustworthy.

Granted, not everyone in my life conforms to this model; I now keep company with a select few truly generous souls who do NOT make me crazy, or make me feel bad about myself. Better yet, I've learned to spot the ones who do and avoid them. My upbringing led me to be a doormat, a people-pleaser who accepted being treated badly as part of life. I was kind of like a Labrador retriever - any attention was good attention, even if it left me beaten down and whimpering.

Not any more. I may have attracted that kind of person once (several ex-"friends", and one ex-husband), but I'm done. I like the person I've become, and I have a right to live my life free of toxicity. My life is just that - mine - and I don't give an airborne rodent's patoot what anyone else thinks I should be doing with it. Compassion, the root of Buddhism, also needs to extend to oneself.

On that note, I leave you with the 10 Commandments of Self-Esteem:

1) Thou shalt not consort with people who make thee feel bad about thyself.

2) That shalt cease trying to make sense of crazy behavior.

3) Thou shalt not keep company with those more dysfunctional than thyself.

4) Trust thy body all the days of thy life.

5) Thou hast permission at all times to say "NO," to change thy mind, and to express thy true feelings.

6) What is not right for thee is not right for thy brethren.

7) Thou shalt not give beyond thine own capacity.

8) What thy brethren think of thee mattereth naught.

9) Wherever thou art, therein also is the party.

10) Thou shalt sing thine own praises all the days of thy life.

And one more thing: "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission." ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

Cheers, everyone.

Better Now.

My case of the crud is responding to antibiotics.

My boss told me I'm doing a fantastic job, and she's very impressed with me.

I've made a big purchase I'm very happy with. (No deets yet...I'll show you all later.)

The week is looking up!

Compassion

One of the precepts of Buddhism is compassion for all living things. Easy in theory, difficult in practice - especially when one of those living things is a fellow human who has hurt you deeply.

I recently heard news about one such person, and rather than wax wrathful and angry about what he did to me in years past (although I admit it was my knee-jerk reaction), I later found myself actually feeling compassion for him. He was a bitter, sick, and twisted individual when I knew him; now, it seems, he has found the happiness that eluded him all those years. The revelation astounded me.

Although a small part of me still hopes karma will serve him for his previous actions, the larger part has forgiven him. Previously, I had not thought this possible; I thought I would hold on to that hatred and anger forever. Compassion, I find, is a welcome relief from all that toxicity. I just wasn't in the right place to consider it until now.

This can only been seen as another signpost on my healing journey, and it makes me smile. There's hope for me yet.

The Power of Positive Affirmations

I've slept beautifully for the last two nights, despite some flashbacks/past baggage things happening during the day. The reason? Positive affirmations. Don't laugh - they work.

Prior to this, I've been a little leery of "therapy speak" - I mean, can you really make a difference in your sleep patterns by talking to yourself in the mirror before going to bed and repeating to yourself that you will have a good night's sleep? A couple of nights ago I would have snorted and said, "Yeah, right." Now I'm happily singing a different tune.

I've even started saying affirmations to myself in the morning before I go to work, and it's made a real difference in my mood. Of course, it also helps that my hubby was in full-on comic standup mode this morning and making me laugh fit to fall out of my chair. But I'm still going to do my affirmations; I'm not taking anything for granted. When you're feeling vulnerable, a shot of something positive can make a difference in your entire day. I'm living proof.

The Subconscious Strikes Back

So, here I am, gleefully cleaning out my attic of past injuries and fears, and I think things are great. But they're not. I had another (small) panic attack yesterday, followed by a doozy of a nightmare last night.

My husband has taught me the mantra of "nothing unreal exists" to help me cope with my nightmares. In this case, however, I think I may need more than a mantra. Even though I think I'm starting to take care of my issues, it's clear that I'm not processing them; my subconscious is hoarding them like they're mint-condition Star Wars collectibles still in their original boxes.

It's come to the point where I think I might need some help.

*sigh*

This sucks.

Spring Cleaning

My subconscious is still cleaning house. Last night I dreamed about a one-time "friend" who years later I recognize as off-the-wall crazy. But unlike previous dreams, where she would confront me and insult me and physically fight with me, this time I kept her at a distance. I was an observer. Better still, I didn't feel any of the emotions I associate with dreams about her; I just felt...detached.

I realize now that I am making progress. It's a long, painful road, but I think I'm finally getting past the construction section.

Letting Go

One of the components of my search for personal enlightenment is to find the ability to let go of past injuries. There are lots - from my narcissistic ex-husband who manipulated me, emotionally abused me, and refused to take any responsibility for the implosion of our marriage, to the "friends" who betrayed my trust and proved themselves to be no friends at all.

In the past, I had a habit of packing all my grudges in Samsonite for long-term storage. Now, I realize how burdensome all that baggage has become. I am gradually accepting the reality that I will never get apologies from any of those individuals who hurt me, much less any acknowledgement of wrongdoing. Thus, the only person I'm hurting by hanging on to all this stuff is myself.

I still have nightmares - my subconscious's way of fighting my attempts to purge these thoughts. Fortunately, my conscious mind doesn't like to take "no" for an answer. All this negativity has taken up way too much space for way too long. Yes, spring cleaning may take a while, but the results - ridding my mind of poison - will be worth it.