17 August 2010


I've been writing away for the past several months, just noodling at a couple of ideas that have piqued my interest. They're fun, but they don't draw me in; I'm not so invested that I want to see any of them through to publication.

That's been an issue for me for years, now: what do I really want to write? I've dabbled in the realms of Regency historical, urban fantasy, fantasy, and paranormal, but nothing seems to "click" for me. There's no spark, no flicker in the darkness that draws me onward like the proverbial moth.

I think, however, that I may have discovered the source of my malaise. On our way to the grocery store this weekend, my husband was playing a podcast where the hosts were discussing the works of H.P. Lovecraft, the source of his inspiration (Edgar Allen Poe, Edgar Rice Burroughs, and others), and the effect his work had on more modern writers. The hosts spoke of worldbuilding, of mythos creation, and a writing style that mirrored ancient saga and legend.

My skin prickled at that - of all the things I've written, what makes me happiest is a work of fantasy whose tone and style mirrors that of the Odyssey. I never tire of references to the "wine-dark sea", and now I think I know why.

I'm looking for something different, yet that hearkens back to the works I loved as a young adult: Icelandic sagas, Egyptian myth, ancient Greek legend. I want to draw on those elements and infuse them into my writing, all the while creating something that no one has ever seen before.

I think I may be on to something. I'm not sure what it is, yet; for now, it's just a flicker in the darkness, but it's drawing me ever closer. I'll let you know when I find the flame.

07 August 2010


For the past couple of weeks I've been in very mellow mood; even multiple crises at work haven't broken my new-found sense of calm.

Maybe it's because I've started lengthening my meditation sessions. Or that I finished the first phase of my work project ahead of schedule. Or because the Buddhist precepts I've been studying are finally starting to sink in.

At any rate, I'm eager to continue down this path. After so many months of discord and anxiety, this peace is most welcome, and I'm going to do all I can to make sure it continues.

01 August 2010

Coming Back to Myself

A series of events over the past year left me riddled with grief and doubt, and effectively shredded my sense of self-esteem. Everything I thought I was, everything I thought true about my life, ended up getting turned around and stomped on.

Soooooo not fun.

Time and effort have restored me, but not without cost, both physically and spiritually. My Buddhist leanings are still at war with the cynicism engendered by these events; it's difficult to feel compassion for people who have hurt you and betrayed your trust. Indeed, it's difficult to trust people in general when your experiences have proven them irredeemably selfish, self-centered, ungenerous, hypocritical, and untrustworthy.

Granted, not everyone in my life conforms to this model; I now keep company with a select few truly generous souls who do NOT make me crazy, or make me feel bad about myself. Better yet, I've learned to spot the ones who do and avoid them. My upbringing led me to be a doormat, a people-pleaser who accepted being treated badly as part of life. I was kind of like a Labrador retriever - any attention was good attention, even if it left me beaten down and whimpering.

Not any more. I may have attracted that kind of person once (several ex-"friends", and one ex-husband), but I'm done. I like the person I've become, and I have a right to live my life free of toxicity. My life is just that - mine - and I don't give an airborne rodent's patoot what anyone else thinks I should be doing with it. Compassion, the root of Buddhism, also needs to extend to oneself.

On that note, I leave you with the 10 Commandments of Self-Esteem:

1) Thou shalt not consort with people who make thee feel bad about thyself.

2) That shalt cease trying to make sense of crazy behavior.

3) Thou shalt not keep company with those more dysfunctional than thyself.

4) Trust thy body all the days of thy life.

5) Thou hast permission at all times to say "NO," to change thy mind, and to express thy true feelings.

6) What is not right for thee is not right for thy brethren.

7) Thou shalt not give beyond thine own capacity.

8) What thy brethren think of thee mattereth naught.

9) Wherever thou art, therein also is the party.

10) Thou shalt sing thine own praises all the days of thy life.

And one more thing: "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission." ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

Cheers, everyone.